Friday, May 06, 2005

Arboreal Rhapsody

Wandering through past posts on UK Workshop this afternoon* I stumbled across one of Morrisminordriver Mike's literary endeavours. The poet laureate of the forum really. Just so I wouldn't lose it again, I thought I'd reproduce it here. Hope he won't mind... Bohemian Rhapsody is the song, and you really need to sing it to get the full effect.

Is this just woodwork
Or is it car – pen - try
Cab-in-et ma-king
Furn - iture artistry
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and seeeeee
Im just a poor boy, new tools are luxury
And so its second hand not second rate
Cheapo tools are my fate
Jumble sales and boot fairs, doesnt really matter to me
To me

(wafty piano piece as a link to second verse…)

Charley, just cut some wood
On the bench I put a length
Pulled my saw with all my strength
Charley, the teeth were bent
And now Ive gotta sand the marks away
Charley, oooh ooh o0hh ooh
Any chance that I could buy
A Lie Neilsen when I go out tomorrow
Credit card, credit card – my bank account’s in tatters

(another wafty piano piece which links to verse 3…)

Too late, my moneys gone
An eBay purchase made
The price has now been paid
Goodbye everybody – Ive got to go
Gotta go down to the shed and face the rust
Charley – oooh ooh oh oooh
The wire wool is required
To clean the pitted metal and restore
Carry on, carry on – I think this really matters

(spirited up tempo ensemble piece which links to staccato verse…)

I see a mitre box sitting by the plane
Aragorn, Aragorn don’t you play with that dado
Mortise – tenon tightening, dovetails are exciting me!
‘Galoot’eo, ‘Galoot’eo
‘Galoot’eo’, ‘Galoot’eo
‘Galoot’eo – Alf ie oh ……- Oh Alf ie Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

(staccato feel maintained to next piece...)

I prefer handtools, more than machinery
He’d like a No 8 more than a planer
Spare him the tools full of ‘lectricity
Easy come, easy go – will you let me go
Axminster ! No – we will not let him go (let him go)
Axminster ! – He should come to the Show (to the show)
Axminster - ! – the catalogue is so…
the catalogue is so…
the catalogue is so…
Quite brillio – o- o - oh
Mama mia,mama mia,mama mia let me go-
Norm A – ba – ram has a Delta put aside for me, for me , for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

(Cue Philly – and any other UKWrs who play guitar - on air guitar – this is the really big bit – every can join in and go ……… “der der der der deh – der der der derdy - der deh - der der der derdy etc etc”)

So you think you can fettle better than I……
You’d better read Charlesworth’ if you’re gonna try – ee - i!
Oh baby – oil your stone up now baby
If yours is gonna be – yes yours is gonna be sharper than mine

(Loud ensemble free for all, slows and moves to piano and voice …)

Shiny tools don’t matter…
Any one can see…
Rusty ones can clean up, with some elbow grease and em – er - yyyyyyyyyyy

(slow delicate piano phrase ending with quiet ensemble voices..)

Any way the vac blows……………

(Cue riotous applause and continual requests for encores…)

Cue riotus applause indeed. A masterpiece. Amazing what a chap can come up with when he's got a night time feed to administer to his potential Galoot In Training. :~)

*Hey, it's a Friday. What d'you expect but timewasting?

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